You have an awkward face.

It's a snowstorm out there and so my boss E-Dawg let me close up shop and go home early. 

I'm using some of my new-found free time to hang out with my cat and write a blog post about Lauren Conrad. 

So, I've never watched The Hills, except for clips on the internet mocking it. I don't understand the appeal of shows like that, but since I'm often bored, I do know quite a bit about pop culture, and so I know who Lauren Conrad is. 

I also know who Heidi Montag is, and obviously Spencer Pratt, all because of gossip blogs. According to wikipedia, The Hills also had people named Audriana, Whitney, and Lo on it, but I can't tell the difference between them. Also, what kind of name is Lo? 

Anyway, the only reason why any of these people are even on Wikipedia, or have ever been on TV, or a gossip blog, or the cover of a magazine, is because they desperately, achingly, overwhelmingly wanted to be famous. The entire point of their existence is to be famous... not talented, not respected, not world-changing, or inspiring, or even kind of neat... nope, just famous, thanks. 

And whatever. That's the cool thing. It's what reality TV is all about, and if people didn't pay attention to it then it would all go away - but apparently this is what the public wants, so I'm seriously not going to go on another rant (as is so common) about all these idiots being famous for doing nothing. We the public have given up our right to be annoyed by it, frankly. 

But, that doesn't mean I don't have something to write about here on this snowy evening. As I said, the whole reason anyone knows Lauren Conrad's name is because she decided that people should. She reached for that rainbow, and starred in two MTV reality shows (with a third in the works, apparently), "wrote" a novel, attached her name to a fashion line, pretended to work at Teen Vogue, and shows up to any and every event that will let her inside. She's famous! All her dreams have come true, and I've got one thing to say to her:

What the fuck is with the face, Lauren Conrad? 

I have never in my life seen a so-called celebrity look more uncomfortable in pictures. Never! She looks like she is about to cry, or run away and hide under a bed. That girl is tweaking out inside and no forced smile is ever going to be able to hide it. The same fake grin and awkward stance appear in every damn photo of her at events.

She looks like her book is grossing her out but she has to hide it! 


The crazy thing is that everyone can spot how dead inside poor Heidi Montag is, just look at her eyes. Well, Lauren Conrad isn't dead... but she really, really doesn't want to be wherever she is at any given point in time. It's sad, really.

But, you asked for this, honey. Remember that.