Snot-Face

I saw the video above on Jezebel after work today and watched it about nine times. It's the best. 

It reminded me of an incident that happened to me several years ago. One winter, I began kinda-sorta-dating this terribly sweet guy. At the time, I was not interested in dating terribly sweet guys. Making out with jerks is a phase that some people (men and women, both) never grow out of, but thankfully I have.   

Unrelated directly to this fellow's awesome sweetness of which I scoffed, was the incident at hand. Indirectly, his sweetness did mean that I couldn't say anything to his face lest I make him cry or something, so I just became very awkward. 

We had been out for a romantic(?) winter stroll one night, and it was very, very cold. He walked me back to my place and the moment we stepped into my kitchen, I ran and blew my nose. It always runs like a freakin' tap in the wintertime, and I wanted to nip that in the bud. 

Upon my return, it was time for my date to head on home, so he leaned in and planted a kiss goodnight on my lips. Now, as a huge fan of men with beards, I am understanding of most things that come with the territory of being smacked by whiskers in all sorts of weather - but what I was not expecting at that moment was the transference of mucous from his beard to my face. 

I felt it. 

I knew it was there. 

Some other human being's snot around my mouth. On my face. My face. Their snot. 

He jovially said goodnight, and I, trying not to move my gooey upper lip, made some sort of squeak of farewell. The second he turned to the door, I ran and washed my face. 

Outside, I looked like the little girl in that video. Inside, I was screaming.   

Text to Ben: "Def. don't watch "Whitney" - real bad."

I'm watching the pilot of the new NBC sitcom "Whitney"... right now!

But, you know, a day late and online.

1:04 in and I already can't stand this laugh track.

1:30: Whitney's boyfriend told her she couldn't wear white to a wedding. She'd been wearing a white dress during the whole scene, but somehow he only noticed when she took off a hoodie that wasn't hiding the dress at all.

1:33: Whitney Cummings isn't a very good actress - very middle school theatre.

1:53: Reference to the statistic that half of all marriages fail, which I don't believe is currently accurate.

2:18: She wasn't wearing shoes when she left the apartment.

3:15: Jack Donaghy's assistant is in this.

5:40: All of Whitney's friends are really unpleasant.

6:00: Whitney is too.

9:03: Rape joke! Did you know, a person can't consent to sex if they are passed out? Apparently, the writers of this show think that it's okay if it's your anniversary. Hilarious!

9:49: The laugh track is kiiiiillllllllliiiiinnnnggg meeeeeeeeeeeee! (I don't mind it at all on Miranda! Perhaps when I am actually laughing, I don't notice?)

10:15: Whitney just told her horrible redhead friend "careful with the cleavage" when she had no cleavage showing, but in the universe of the show, apparently there was. Is it so hard to just put your actress in a cleavage top? They might as well be pretending to serve tea out of an empty tea pot... use your imagination! This is a middle school production after all.

11:25: Ugh, this show is tired before it's even finished one episode! References about being single being "like a war-zone" are so now, aren't they? People in relationships just don't know what it's like out there. Amiright?

12:22: A sex shop worker just explained to Whitney what role play was - this seemed like a brand new concept to her. So, not only is this character charmless and annoying (earlier, she fucked up someones wedding by standing in the aisle in front of a bridesmaid, and then ruined their cupcake tower - and not one bit of it was funny) - she also doesn't exist in modern society (you don't have to partake, but surely you know that people do).

12:45: "I'm not Daniel Day Lewis, I just want to get laid."

13:19: She picked a slutty nurse Halloween costume for her role playing surprise for her 3 year anniversary. There are candles in this scene, so I am assuming someone is going to catch on fire.

15:22: I started to think it could get funny when "Nurse" Whitney was making the boyfriend fill out insurance forms, but they gave up on the gag too soon. So, one almost-good bit in 15 minutes, and it was abandoned before it followed through. Fine work!

15:32: Boyfriend fall down.

16:15: Sassy Black Nurse alert! Can't have a sitcom with an almost-exclusively (Jonathan!) Caucasian main and supporting characters without some guest actors of colour!

16:28: That Sassy Black Nurse wouldn't let Whitney into her boyfriend's hospital room because they aren't married. Oh the injustices forced upon heterosexual Americans who have full legal rights to marry if they want to! It is so hard to witness!

17:12: Oh gross, the Mom from Malcolm in the Middle!

19:31: I know he's in the hospital, but Whitney's boyfriend looks like a homeless vampire.

22:21: And it's over. That just... wasn't very good at all.

Shaking my head in Colton's direction.

I've mentioned before how a woman named Brenda used to own my phone number... or, thinks that my number is hers. This particular number has belonged to me for over a year now, and while I don't get as many calls for Brenda as I used to, they do still come a few times a month.

As of Saturday, I have also received a disproportionate amount of calls for a new Brenda! New Brenda's name seems to be Colton - which I didn't realize even was a name, but who am I to argue. 

I have an extensive call-log from Saturday night, all from the same number, all for Colton. I was out at the Frex with Ben, trying to enjoy an overpriced evening of getting sick from rides and looking at farm animals and being won a stuffed fish. The drunk (?) teenage (?) girl on the other end of the line dialed my number six (6!) times. The first time, I answered, told her she must have the wrong number. The second time, I ignored the call, and was left a rambling message about how much she missed me... er, Colton. I've never understood that one, since my voice mail tells you that you've called a squeaky voiced woman named Marg (or Meerg), yet people often just blithely ignore that. After the voice mail, she called again, I ignored... she called again a few minutes later- I answered, shouted "Wrong Number!" and hung up. Two minutes went by - another call! I ignored that, then about twenty minutes later, she tried again. 

Me: You have the wrong number, quit calling me!

Girl: Is Colton there?

Me: No, listen, wrong number. 

Girl: This is Colton's number, I got it from indistinguishable name, so I know it's right. 

Me: But it's not. Don't call it again. 

Luckily, after making that particular oh-my-god-you-are-such-an-idiot-and-you're-ruining-my-life-you-pathetic-person sigh that only teenage girls are capable of making, she stopped calling. Today however, I got two calls from unknown numbers looking for Mr. Popular, Colton!  Both callers sounded like teenage boys.

I imagine that Colton is in fact, pretty popular. His parents wanted desperately for him to be an extra special snowflake, which is why in the mid-nineties they chose to combine the names Colby and Carlton when Christening their bundle of joy. And now he is too busy having arms too long for his body to remember his cellphone number correctly. In this failure, he is ruining the sleepovers of girls a year below him in school where all they really wanted to do was drink the coolers that their older sisters got them and call Colton and ask him if he thinks Madison is cute. 

And he's crushing Brodie's dream that this year, in Grade Ten, they'll finally hangout and with Colton's help, the rest of the wrestling team will stop throwing their jock straps on him. 

They won't stop doing that, not now that Colton has given out the wrong number. There are consequences to your actions, young man.  

Princess Mary's Magic

I wrote Mary a story:

      Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away lived a beautiful curly haired princess named Mary. Mary lived in an elaborate and ornate castle made from huge slabs of pink granite. She spent most of her time in the highest room in the tallest tower in the land (she wasn't trapped there, she just really loved the view). Princess Mary invented a one-person elevator using complicated pulley system, because she is resourceful like that and was tired of using the stairs all the time. She still used them pretty regularly though, to tone her gams and to let the Elevator Butler's have afternoon naps during their breaks.

      Princess Mary was known throughout several (at least six!) kingdoms for her benevolence, her ingenuity, and for her magical blue eyes. I'm not being unduly flattering here, Princess Mary's peepers were legit enchanted - with a flutter of her eyelashes while saying a special incantation, one gaze from her big ol' baby blues could fill an empty goblet, vase, cup, or keg with any libation or elixir of her choice.

      Revelers and celebratory citizens from lands all over came constantly to bequest the Princess' special magic be bestowed upon them. Being a wise magistrate, Princess Mary decreed that she would not have a kingdom full of drunkards, and would only use her powers under very special circumstances, and the occasional personal nightcap. A weekly council was set up in the Pink Granite Castle's Great Pink Hall (sounds a little dirty) where those who thought their cases worthy could come and make appeals to the Princess herself.

      One deary, rainy morning, Princess Mary was bummed out to discover it was one of those such weekly council occasions. Normally, the princess was happy to have people come and make their appeals, but on that morning, she could think of nothing worse. A giant spider had taken up residence in her bathtub, she had been getting incessant messages from a very annoying junior advisor in the court about nothing important at all, and she had seen at least five maidens of the court wearing tights as pants as she peered out her tall tower window. Still, Princess Mary knew her duty, so she descended down the elevator to court.

      Sitting upon her thrown in a bejewelled pair of yellow overalls (she figured she'd help the Royal Painters redecorate the dining hall after court), Princess Mary presided over the full court and was approached by a sobbing young maiden.

      "Your Highness," began the Maiden, "My beloved has absconded with another maiden!"

      "Ah yes," said the Princess, unmoved, "The heart wants what it wants, unfortunately."

      "He made every promise he could to me, but it was all for naught! A knight of your very court, Princess... and he is nothing but a liar and a cad!"

      "This sounds like many a knight I know," said the Princess, "But I could just as well be asked to provide in celebration for he and his new bride, could I not?"

      "Worst of all, your Highness," the Maiden wiped her tears, "He stole my horse!"

      "Your horse?"

       "He stole Cloppers, and left him two kingdoms over, and I'll never get him back!"

      "Gracious Lady of the Court, present your chalice!"

      "Oh thank-you Your Highness!" exclaimed the Maiden as she raised her margarita glass.

      Princess Mary waived a ringed hand over the glass, and began to flutter her eyelashes - she stared intensely and began to chant... "Come on baby, shake your body, do the conga!"

      The margarita glass began to shake in the Maiden's outstretched hand as the Princess continued chanting... "I know you can't control yourself any longer!"

      The glass lifted out of the Maiden's hand - "Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger!"

     Before the court's eyes, the glass seemed instantly chilled with frost, and began to fill from the bottom up with a wild magenta liquid.

      "Don't you fight it til you tried it..."

      The glass descended gently back into the Maiden's hands where she grasped the stem.

      "Do the conga beat!"

      Th entire court erupted in applause as the Maiden sipped from her beverage, "I needed that" she said with relief.

      Princess Mary smiled, knowing that she had been there for her subjects once again as good princesses and friends always are.


Happy Birthday Princess Mary!