Where the tv is better.

I spent much of my weekend watching an absurd amount of British comedy. 

If you have good taste (and so many people don't) and access to the internet (that, you do have), then there is nothing standing in your way from also spending several hours alone watching television and drinking tea and feeling very pleased with yourself and warm and vicariously hilarious. IT SOLVES WINTER. 

Here is your television prescription* from lovely Dr. Marg**:

Peep Show: This is my favourite show. It just is. Ever. Of all time. And they've just started their 7th series***. This is huge for British comedies, since the English aren't dead-horse-beaters like Americans****, and often only do two or three series. Since each Peep Show series is only six episodes long AND the writing is so good, even in it's 7th series, it's still fresh. The important thing is to commit yourself and start from Series One. I'll see you in a few days. 

Getting On: I still haven't been able to watch all of Series One, but just am loving Series Two, so I can get behind not starting from the beginning on this one, just because the second series is more readily available on youtube. Two nurses and a doctor in a geriatric ward of a hospital - directed by Peter Capaldi, written by the actresses (Jo Brand, Vicki Pepperdine, and Joanna Scanlan), who also star. Watch this first, and you'll be hooked.

Whites: Unfortunately named show, really, but so, so funny. Created by Peep Show's Super Hans, this one brings us into the world of a fancy hotel kitchen. You'll develop a crush on Bib the sous chef, if you have a heart at all.  And if you watch Peep Show, you'll love that Isy Suttie (Dobby in that, Kiki in this) is given free range to steal every scene she's in. “What does steak mean?” 


The Trip: I didn't like the movie Sideways, probably because I was waiting for it to be less about wine and more about food, and for it to be less American and more British, and for it to be actually funny, and not just... Sideways. If you've heard anything about The Trip, you've probably heard some comparisons. But what you really needed to hear is that Steve Coogan can do no wrong. And that it is important for Rob Brydon to do impressions ad nauseam, so that you can feel Steve Coogan's pain/jealousy/competitiveness AND yet, if you are anything at all like me, you will still be IN LOVE with Rob Brydon. Yes, it's true. I love him. Even though he looks like this. 

Grandma's House: A dark-horse contender really. It's gotten lots of mixed reviews. The important thing though, is that it is really fucking funny. And who the hell cares about anything else? Did you like Never Mind the Buzzcocks when Simon Amstell was the host? Then watch his sitcom! Never watched Never Mind the Buzzcocks? Fuck off and youtube that too. 

While you're fucking off and watching that panel show, please also do yourself a solid and watch Would I Lie To You and the motherload, QI. 


You are insulting Stephen Fry by not watching QI. What kind of North American monster are you? Get out of my blog!


Well... don't do that.

*I could go on for days about the back catalog of Brit-com you are probably lacking.
** Sure, why not. 
*** You know full well that they call seasons series over there. 
**** You also know exactly what I am talking about, Just imagine all the solid gold I could link to. 

Pigeon.

Every morning, my departure from my apartment is carefully timed so that I reach the bus stop with exactly enough time to find fare in my purse before the bus arrives. Even one minute later leaving the building, and I run the risk of missing the bus entirely. I don't understand why, but without fail, if it is a rainy day, I will walk out the door at 9:11 rather than 9:10, and the good ol' 15 bus will drive right by me. The rain will be pouring down, and I will be disgruntled, soaked, and forced to pay for a cab to work. This happens 85% of the time if it rains. Bizarrely, I am also about 60% as likely to miss the bus if it not raining yet, but ends up raining later in the day. This leads me to the conclusion (science!), that it is not the rain actually slowing me down, but rather atmospheric pressure fucking with my internal clock.


I missed the bus today. 


I blame that aforementioned atmospheric pressure. 


And also a pigeon. 



See I knew I was cutting it super close when I left my nice warm bunker-like-shit-hole-apartment this morning, so I was booting 'er down the street to the bus stop like a mad-woman, and naturally, fate was against me. 


First, I realized that I had altogether too quickly caught up to the slowest walker in the world* as she waddled her way down the middle of the sidewalk**. Undeterred, I stomped through the snow to get around her. Eat my snow-dust, lady. 


Then, from the front door of a house emerged a 167-year-old-man*** dragging a giant suitcase with wheels. He stopped for a siesta directly in my path. Out of my way, old man!****


Both these human obstacles I could avoid. I was going to make it! I believed in me!


Then came the following conversation as a lone pigeon came to share the sidewalk with me. 


Gus the Pigeon: Oh, pardon me. 
Me: Move pigeon!
Gus the Pigeon: Excuse me, oh, ha ha, I see we went in the same direction there. 
Me: Pigeon! Move!
Gus the Pigeon: Doesn't that always happen, mercy me. So sorry. 
Me: Fly away! 
Gus the Pigeon: Ooops! Did it again! 
Me: Ack! What the fuck?
Gus the Pigeon: Oh I am a silly thing this morning aren't I? I'll just...
Me: Seriously?!
Gus the Pigeon: I see you had the same thought of moving off the sidewalk, how droll!
Me: Jesus! Fly away!!!
Gus the Pigeon: Aren't we just a couple of jokers? Perhaps if one of us let the other go first.
Me: Move pigeon! Stop getting in my way!
Gus the Pigeon: Ha-ha, where are my manners? I assumed I would be the one to move first. 
Me:What is happening?!
Gus the Pigeon: You go. I promise, I won't move a feather until you pass. Unless you want me to...
Me: God damn it, there's the bus. 
Gus the Pigeon: I'm such a rube, I've done it again.






I guess atmospheric pressure messes with birds too. That dude just wouldn't get out of my way. 


*Record pending.
**Why the hell do slow walkers pick the dead center of the sidewalk to go down?
***No hyperbole. 
**** No, I didn't push an old man down in the snow.

Consumerist Christmas Claptrap.

I fucking love Christmas. I always have. I fight tooth and nail to maintain it in my parents home (LET ME HAVE IT!) - after they decided a few years ago that they didn't want to have a tree anymore, I went out to the woods with Lou Lou and chopped one down*. I love buying presents, and decorating, and baking obscene amounts of treats. I love boozy spiced apple cider.

Christmas is the shit.

Now, it is still a little early for the real spirit of the season**. I'm not decorating until post-December 1st, I promise.*** But I am starting a tentative Chrimbo list:

MARG'S X-MAS WISHLIST 2010:

-Jumbo Package of Quality Toilet Paper (I always run out of toilet paper, and have to buy over-priced two-packs of the really awful sandpapery 1-ply stuff from Victory)
-A bag of Potatoes.
-My cat back (he'll fit in the new place now!)
-A bag of kitty litter and large cat-box.
-A new make-up bag (the one I have is too small, plus I spilled bronzer in part it, plus it flakes off black stuff and I don't understand why)
-A sweater.
-Candy. 


So yeah, what is the most important thing I want for Christmas?

 This guy!

*It turned out to be a skunk spruce, so I wasn't allowed to keep it inside.
**But I do work retail, so you know, the season starts in September. 
***Because I don't move into my new place until then.  

Brenda Part 2 (Angel)

"Also, re: your latest blog post, I too have had this problem. For three years, now, I have been receiving calls for a man named "Angel Rodriguez". As it happens, they are neither from his friends nor family, but rather from creditors. Consequently I have received many a call at 6:30 am for Angel, and then again at 7, and then again at 7:30. And they won't believe that I am not him! I literally had one creditor say in response to my vehement claim that I was in fact a white Canadian of Irish descent that "that would be just what Angel would say, isn't it?". Lordy."   -Stuart.

Brenda

Dear Brenda,


Hello! You don’t know me… my name is Marg. I don’t know you either. What I do know is that none of your friends believe me when I tell them that I am Marg. That’s right, Marg. Not Brenda.

Now Brenda, you may be wondering why all your friends seem to have us so terribly confused. Well, I think it has a little something to do with the fact that they all think my phone number is in fact, your phone number.

I realize that the most logical explanation for the confusion is simply that this used to be your number, and then you changed numbers or moved or something, and now it belongs to me.

But, I have come to believe that you are not a logical person, Brenda. Because if you did simply change numbers, you failed to inform any of your friends or family members of the fact. I’ve been the proud owner of my number for several months now, and I would say that about 75% of my calls are for you. You would think that as the months went on, that people would realize their error, but actually, your calls have been steadily increasing.

This leads me to the following conclusion: Brenda, you do not know your own phone number, and you remember it incorrectly as mine. You have been wandering around town giving out your (my) number to everyone you know, and honestly, you’re probably pretty curious why no one ever calls you.

They don’t call you because you’re stupid, Brenda.

To be fair, I think they might be stupid too.  Here are just a sampling of the conversations and messages that I have been privy to on your behalf:


Me: Hello?
Dude: Hey Brenda!
Me: Oh, you have the wrong number.
Dude: No I don’t, you’re a contact in my phone! What’s up?


Me: Hello?
Lady: Brenda?
Me: No, sorry, this isn’t Brenda.
Lady: Brenda, is that you?
Me: No…


Voicemail: You have reached the mailbox of “Marg Craig”, please leave a message after the tone.
Woman with Accent: Hello Brenda! Your voicemail sounds strange. Anyway, just calling to wish you Happy Thanksgiving! Doug and I missed you this year, I hope everything is well! Did you manage to ask Jessica about the gift basket? Call me back when you have time. Okay Brenda, Happy Thanksgiving again! Bye!



You should try and figure this out, Brenda. I’ve started snapping at your friends. Also, Dr. Christie’s office keeps calling you. Um… you might have the clap.


Hugs & Kisses!

Marg

This happens a lot.

The other day on Pajiba, I saw the trailer for the new Natalie Portman/Ashton Kutcher tour-de-force romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. (Go ahead, watch the trailer, I'll wait.) I was confused when I saw this, as I thought this film stared Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. My suspicions were confirmed by Pajiba again, when today they posted the trailer to Friends with Benefits. 

When you're done watching that trailer, get ready and say it with me: it's the same damn movie! 

It's nothing new. Famous examples abound of releasing the same damn movie in the same damn year with different damn actors. See*: Ants/A Bug's Life, and Armageddon/Deep Impact, Saving Private Ryan/The Thin Red Line, The Prestige/The Illusionist.

This happens time and time again, and one film always seems to just demolish the other, leaving it labeled inferior, pathetic, and sad in the annals of film history. So which fuck buddies film will be the victor this time around?

No Strings has the Portman factor, which could be helpful since she's the most dramatically well-respected of the four leads. But, she is so so clearly slumming it here it hurts! There is no universe in which Natalie Portman would bone Ashton Kutcher. Think what you will of her as an actress, the woman is a Harvard graduate! Kutcher on the other hand,  tweets pictures of his wife's ass**. 

No one is going to buy this shit. 

Friends with Benefits has Justin Timberlake, who brings with him a build-in-audience of people with good taste in pop music. It also has Mila Kunis, who is just adorable. I thought she was a plausible as a match for Ashton Kutcher***, you know, TWELVE years ago. Where her career has advanced (is she the only other That 70s Show alumni working now? I'll have to look that up), Kutcher (not to keep harping on) has remained the same old clutching-to-a-douche-bag-version-of-youth-turd that he has been since first appearing on the scene so many years ago. 

Long story short, in the battle of these movies (both, let's face it, look just terrible), my bet is on the Timberlake/Kunis version. Predominately because he appears to be singing into her hoo-haw in the trailer. 

One further thought: it is obvious with both takes on the clearly same script (different character names were easily inserted in Final Draft), that the fuck buddies in question end up falling in love and getting together. Because that is what happens in movies like this. BUT... that isn't really what happens in real life. If one or both members of a FWB situation do not want to date the other, then they won't date. If one member does fall madly in love with the other, than the one who isn't in love will stop sleeping with the smitten one, or they will keep sleeping with them but ignore them in public, never take it seriously, and eventually find a real boyfriend that they actually like****. Two movies coming out with the same promise of false hope might do some real damage... so watch out! 



*The internet was helpful here. 
** Seriously. Google that, you'll get to see a very boney 40 something butt. 
*** And she dates Kevin McCallister in real life!
**** Sorry! xox*! 

*Not really. 

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Nope. 

He shits in a Christmas drum.

Lady-boner for Zombies.

I was a few days late on watching the first episode of The Walking Dead (although, according to Project Free TV I could have been watching a bootlegged version as early as October 21st!)... anyway, I am glad that I a) waited, so that I could give it my full attention and b) refused to read any reviews pre-watching. I say both these things because Christ-on-a-cracker, it kicked ass. Also I am a big fan of kick-assery coming toward me unadulterated by the opinions of others.
I love the Zombie Genre, and one of the things I found most enjoyable about The Walking Dead from this first episode is the traditionalist stance on zombies it is taking. These are old-school zombies, they moan, they amble, they eat human flesh, they are killed by removing the head or destroying the brain. They aren't clever, they aren't learning, they don't run. They are classic. I love it. 
One of the most frightening things about zombies you see, is that they are nature's* most unsuspecting killers. A reoccuring theme in Z-stories is the protagonist having a zombie invasion sneak up on them. We see this in The Walking Dead, in a fashion almost identical to that in 28 Days Later - obviously the parrallels can't be denied, especially since the Danny Boyle film was released in 2002 and The Walking Dead graphic novel (upon which the series is based) was first published (wikipedia tells me) in 2003. Side project: let's think of other ways in which a guy can fall out of society for a month or so rather than end up the hospital... falling down a well? Hiding from his student loan repayments?
Anyway, it isn't just those two projects in which the zombie infestation comes as an overwhelming surprise to the main characters in the film. Our beloved heroes in Shaun of the Dead for example, get dealt the zombies-are-already-everywhere cards because they are simply not paying close enough attention. That could literally happen to any one of us. If I wasn't constantly on guard about potential zombie attacks**, then I wouldn't blink twice at the suspiciously zombie-like people I see on the bus, in stores, or at bars, either!
The hero in The Walking Dead is pretty well-equipped for a zombie attack, which is nice, considering that he is this guy. (I think you're perfect too, Andrew Lincoln***). And not to spoil anything, but the guy rode into town on the motherfarmin' horse, guns strapped to his back, balls-out-ready-to-kill-zombies. Amazing. And sure, this is drama, so not everything is always going to go his way - but so far I sure as hell want it to, something you certainly want from your leading man. 
Personally, I would be pretty awful in the advent of a zombie-party. I have zero upper body strength, I've never shot a gun, I don't like the smell of dead people. Marg = 0, Zombies = everything. 
Back to the show, I thought that the father & son were excellent (imdb is not helping me out with their names for some reason), but Rick's wife, child, and cop-partner are thus far pretty pukey. Big fan of the production's use of silence to add tension - it is vital to the zombie experience, in my opinion. This paragraph is what we call a compliment sandwich.
I am so excited to see where they take The Walking Dead. So much so that I am refusing to read (or read about) the source material, except to see that is had garnered hugely positive reviews. AMC is pretty solid in my books, and as long as they don't burn out too fast with this one, then I, like a zombie intent on munching a brain, will keep coming back for more.


*Yes, "nature", just go with it.
**Seriously. 
*** Dear Andrew Lincoln, I know your real name. Clutterbuck? Amaze-balls.      

Mystical Parade.

Lou Lou and I were Skyping. Her microphone wasn't working, so she could hear me but I was deaf to her. So I talked, and she responded via text. I feel as though the result is rather like Garfield Minus Garfield.

Here is a sample of dialog:

Lou-Lou:

[10:10:06 PM] FACK

[10:10:14 PM] yes

[10:10:26 PM] so please continue

[10:10:46 PM] nope but sounds hilarious

[10:10:50 PM] hee hee

{Technical errors abound, then I resume my story}

[10:22:32 PM] yesm

[10:23:16 PM] nay, I suspected that there was lingering oddness but I am really strange and tend not to notice these things .

[10:24:51 PM] cars do that to people

[10:25:02 PM] I never know what to do with my  hands

[10:25:23 PM] sigh

[10:26:34 PM] haha

[10:26:55 PM] {Redacted}'s fb tells me he wore a bunny costume. THAT would have been troubling to wake up to

[10:27:09 PM] WORSE!!

[10:27:17 PM] WORSE WORSE!

[10:27:31 PM]  this possible situation just grows

[10:27:43 PM] next there would have been a pygmy dwarf involved*

[10:27:55 PM] asleep in the tub or something

[10:28:11 PM] well that's a relief isn't it

[10:28:38 PM] :)

[10:29:09 PM]  :|

[10:29:21 PM] Mystical parade

[10:34:09 PM] FUCK!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

[10:34:33 PM] How does this shit happen to you Marg? How?

[10:34:56 PM] But you have like daily hilarious that just flies at you

*Aren't you just desperate to know what we were talking about?

Baby-talk.

Marg: if you ever feel like having a baby, how do you want to go about it? adoption? or surrogate? "Personal Questions with Marg Craig". Experimental one night stand?!?! MAKE A BABY OUT OF CLAY AND PRETEND IT IS REAL?!?!

Matthew: clay baby. for sure.

Boardwalking.

    I’ve been watching Boardwalk Empire - sticking with it despite the fact that subsequent episodes have paled in comparison to that spectacular premiere - because I still find it interesting. The show has it’s issues, certainly. I don’t buy Nucky Thompson’s (Steve Buscemi) virility for one. He’s a fantastic actor and the role suits him for the most part, but there are limits to any fiction - Donny from The Big Lebowski boning 3 ladies in one day is one of those limits. It isn’t even about how gross the man looks (which of course he does) - but I just can’t buy into someone that sickly being such a demon in the sack. He’d faint first.

    I have even more issues with the weak female characters in the show. One of the best aspects of Mad Men is how well written the women are. Even Betty, who is insufferable, has an immense amount of effort put into her character (for one of the best articles explaining what made Betty transform from a demure housewife to a monster, read this - it is a spot-on analysis). On Boardwalk however, we’re given nothing! Well, that’s not entirely true - we’re given Margaret Schroeder, played by Kelly MacDonald (whom I normally really like) - who I know we are supposed to connect with on some level, I’m sure. But… I don’t. I feel like the writers don’t know who she really is, so they change her over-arching motivations from episode to episode. Development in drama is good, of course, but Mrs. Schroeder’s character development seems inconsistent and uneven. It’s too early to tell, and I really do want to be proven wrong because there certainly is a lot of potential there. The blink-and-you’ll-miss-it immigration revelation about her activities as a 16 year old in Episode 6, was over-shadowed by Agent Van Nelson (the fantastic Michael Shannon) and his kinky atonements.

      This wasn’t a very well written review, but I’m trying to watch Episode 7 and my player keeps freezing, so I’m writing in between scenes.

    Some parting thoughts however:

    -I always forget Jimmy’s mother Gillian (Gretchen Mol), even 7 episodes in, and am always like “who the hell is that?” before I clue in that she is actually a real character. Poor Gretchen Mol, I’ve known her name for years but apparently had no idea who she actually was until this show (and even now!) She’s not bad either, though it is about time they address that she must have been about 12 when Jimmy was born.

    -Mrs. Schroeder Lysoled her vagina.

    -I want them to start showing how Al Capone (Stephen Graham) managed to become the biggest player in the game. If I didn’t know that it was historically relevant, then I wouldn’t believe it for a second. They are playing him like Spike the Bulldog.

    -Why don’t I recognize Dabney Coleman in this role, but I do normally?

    -My sister doesn’t like the theme music, and I actually totally agree. She felt I was being facetious when I suggested they instead use a song called “The Merkin Hop”. I wasn’t, though (at least, not to her).

    -Vincent Piazza as Lucky Luciano is just knocking my socks off. But maybe that’s just because he is pretty handsome. That’s one thing I like about show business… the actors portraying real people are always much better looking than the real thing. Is it accurate? No, but I wouldn’t want to look at this all night, either.

   -I know it's bad but the guy with the face (or um... without, rather) in Episode 7 is freaking me out.

 EDIT:

  -HOLY SHIT... the episode just loaded more and I take it back about them not giving the ladies enough to do!

 Second Edit:

  -I don't recognize Dabney Coleman because he doesn't have a mustache anymore!