"What were you doing?!?!" "Old Picnic Table."

Ben: So I got this splinter in my bum 2 years ago that went in too deep to pull out with tweezers, and I guess it's been making it's way through my cheek since then, and I think it's finally coming out near my hip.

Me: ...

Ben: True fact. 

Me: Oh my god, Ben.

Ben: This is the fella you chose to get mixed up with.

Rah-Rah Phone Call Club.

Rah Rah is pretty strict with her phone conversations, going as far as to create itemized lists of topics to be covered so that we don't miss anything important that we really need to talk about. Often while talking on facebook or gmail chat, she will mention something that needs to be discussed the next time we actually hear each other's voices. I have the worst memory in the world however, so I often forget things she has specifically told me to remind her to tell me. This has caused Rah Rah to declare that I am not a very good secretary of the Phone Call Club. I tried to tell her that since I am not good at the job, perhaps I shouldn't be the secretary, and rather, Matthew should fill the position. Rah Rah said that he has already proven himself more than capable and thus got a promotion - he is the Vice President of the Club. 

In an attempt to impress her, to aide in my advancement in this society, I will save this quick note she has given me about tonight's call here:

"ah, please add to this evening's minutes: Sketchy men i met when my car broke down. Confusion over more pop culture related topics, including christian bale. and you explaining to me your updated situation between {REDACTED} and {ALSO REDACTED}"

Cross your fingers. 

E-Dawg at Work.

One of the best parts about my job is that I get to hang out with my boss, E-Dawg. Apparently you can hear our shrieks of laughter all the way next door at the furniture store on a regular basis - and that's pretty alright, man. 

Just today:

E-Dawg: Do yourself a favour, and never actually do an image search for bearded ladies on the internet. 


---


E-Dawg: So he writes comics... like... Dilbert?
M-Unit: No, more like comic books. 
E-Dawg:  So... Archies?


---

I make it my goal to make her laugh at least once a day by doing truly inane things. Today, I stood at her office door, eating a croissant. I stared straight ahead, cramming the food into my mouth with a maniacal intensity, letting crumbs fall where they may. 

E-Dawg: You're a vision. 
M-Unit: That's why I'm so popular with the men-folk. 

It worked.

Mountain Top.

Today at our respective workplaces, Sarah (aka Rah Rah) decided to play Mountain Top over g-chat. If you're not familiar, the game is simple. Imagine yourself on a mountain. Three other people are there with you. For some reason, you must marry one of them, have a one time bone-session with another, and throw the last person off the mountain to their certain gruesome demise. It's a classic!

Now, I promised Rah Rah that I would take out people's names so that they won't hate us. But my theory is that the conversation will still be amusing. And if it's not, feel free to say so. And if you think you were one of the people used in the game... yes, you probably were.

These are just abstracts taken from the whole conversation, I'll put a marker between subjects.


Climb the mountain with Marg & Rah Rah...

"One Hundred and One Ways to Make a Man Feel Self-Conscious"

A helpful new guide by Marg Craig.

With such gems as "That is a lot of back-hair. It's like a carpet; a built-in sweater!" and "I wouldn't actually tell you if you had a booger hanging out of your nose, I'd let you discover it later. It's funnier that way."

Never search in doubt again to find exactly the wrong thing to say to a gentleman-friend! Includes classics like "If you lost weight you'd look mean... you know, too tough. No one wants that." and "Oh look, you're wearing manties!"

Comes with an exclusive instructional guide in the art of using catchphrases and amusing noises to mock any situation: "Boner, Boobs, mmmerhp!"

Learn to respond to any compliment with "I've been told that before" and "Yeah, I get that a lot." Get sympathy for being cold by declaring, "Well, you have my share of body fat!"

It's the only book you'll ever need with a section on easy answers to common questions like "You're going to blog this aren't you?" Answer: "Yes, of course I am."

Get your copy today!

Now, who wants to design me a book cover? 

I think that covers it.

After she asked who both Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag were, I told Sarah that she needs to pay closer attention to pop-culture*. Her response:

"i do? ha ha. i thought i was pretty good. i avoid all disney news and keep a close eye on allison janney and john cleese. i think that covers it."

*I don't really believe that. 

You have an awkward face.

It's a snowstorm out there and so my boss E-Dawg let me close up shop and go home early. 

I'm using some of my new-found free time to hang out with my cat and write a blog post about Lauren Conrad. 

So, I've never watched The Hills, except for clips on the internet mocking it. I don't understand the appeal of shows like that, but since I'm often bored, I do know quite a bit about pop culture, and so I know who Lauren Conrad is. 

I also know who Heidi Montag is, and obviously Spencer Pratt, all because of gossip blogs. According to wikipedia, The Hills also had people named Audriana, Whitney, and Lo on it, but I can't tell the difference between them. Also, what kind of name is Lo? 

Anyway, the only reason why any of these people are even on Wikipedia, or have ever been on TV, or a gossip blog, or the cover of a magazine, is because they desperately, achingly, overwhelmingly wanted to be famous. The entire point of their existence is to be famous... not talented, not respected, not world-changing, or inspiring, or even kind of neat... nope, just famous, thanks. 

And whatever. That's the cool thing. It's what reality TV is all about, and if people didn't pay attention to it then it would all go away - but apparently this is what the public wants, so I'm seriously not going to go on another rant (as is so common) about all these idiots being famous for doing nothing. We the public have given up our right to be annoyed by it, frankly. 

But, that doesn't mean I don't have something to write about here on this snowy evening. As I said, the whole reason anyone knows Lauren Conrad's name is because she decided that people should. She reached for that rainbow, and starred in two MTV reality shows (with a third in the works, apparently), "wrote" a novel, attached her name to a fashion line, pretended to work at Teen Vogue, and shows up to any and every event that will let her inside. She's famous! All her dreams have come true, and I've got one thing to say to her:

What the fuck is with the face, Lauren Conrad? 

I have never in my life seen a so-called celebrity look more uncomfortable in pictures. Never! She looks like she is about to cry, or run away and hide under a bed. That girl is tweaking out inside and no forced smile is ever going to be able to hide it. The same fake grin and awkward stance appear in every damn photo of her at events.

She looks like her book is grossing her out but she has to hide it! 


The crazy thing is that everyone can spot how dead inside poor Heidi Montag is, just look at her eyes. Well, Lauren Conrad isn't dead... but she really, really doesn't want to be wherever she is at any given point in time. It's sad, really.

But, you asked for this, honey. Remember that.  

No way!

Him: I can't burp.

Me: What do you mean?

Him: I've never been able to burp.

Me: Bullshit! What? 

Him: Seriously! I can't burp intentionally or unintentionally.

Me: That is... absurd!

Him: I could drink all the carbonated beverages I want, wouldn't matter.

Me: Ridiculous!

Him: I'm sorry?

Me: No, it's just... I don't even believe you. Everyone burps. You can't burp?

Him: ... I can hiccup.

Careers.

Cameron: did you see *redacted*? did he touch your ass this year? haha

Marg: I neither saw him, nor his hand on my butt, sadly

Cameron: mmm. damn shame. i had a dream recently that you were telling me about how much you loved being a kindergarden teacher.

Marg: hahaha. such a rewarding line of work I'm in.

Cameron: little tykes & such. whereas my line of work (suntanning) is not quite as rewarding

Marg: no, but it makes you look spectacular.